Do You See Your Own Sin?

When I first began praying, truly praying, I believed in God’s existence. I was seeking, but I didn’t yet see myself clearly. I thought belief was enough. Faith alone, I stumbled along for a couple years. Then I read Crime and Punishment and God used Dostoevsky to shatter me.

Dostoevsky didn’t write fiction, he wrote confession. He held up a mirror, and for the first time, I saw the truth. Not just about humanity, but about me. My pride. My arrogance. My delusions. I remember the moment vividly. I was sitting on the steps outside my graduate work-program, no one had shown up. So, I was reading and weeping. Deep, aching tears because I finally saw what I’d been blind to for so long: My sins were real. Not metaphorical. Not general. Mine. Faith alone, belief alone was not enough for the demons believe and are not saved.

Leaving those steps, I went behind some bushes, bent my knee to the ground and in tears I repented. I asked for forgiveness, not in abstraction, but with real tears, real sorrow, and real hunger for mercy.

“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself… loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” — Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

This was the beginning of something new in me, God making room for His Spirit inside my heart. Not just a belief in God, but a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:17). And that’s the heart God does not despise.

We often speak of God’s grace, but do we know what it means to fall into the arms of mercy with the full weight of our guilt? Have you ever seen your own sin? Really seen it, understood it?

If you haven’t yet, pray for the grace to see. It may undo you; but it will also remake you and help you to wake up.

This is the 3rd in a series of articles on my journey into the ancient Christian faith. The other articles are linked in the above content subscribe to receive a new article every Sunday at 5PM.