My Cowardly Agnosticism
In my late teens and early twenties, I fell into the religion of agnostic atheism.
Yes, it’s a religion; built on faith in materialism, on sermons from dead men who never rose again. It is the most religious of all the religions.
But I wasn’t even a brave atheist. I chose the softer route: agnosticism. I told myself I was being rational, open-minded, and careful.
But deep down, I knew the truth: I was afraid.
Agnosticism gave me permission to delay the decision. It let me pretend that indecision wasn’t already a decision. Atheists, at least, have the courage to take a stand, wrong as it may be. But agnosticism? It’s an intellectual hiding place; I used it to avoid surrendering. To avoid risk. To avoid God.
Then someone called me out. They didn’t argue. They just told me the truth, “You’re being a coward. You’re hiding behind uncertainty because you’re afraid of what belief will require of you.”
Although that moment was a lifetime ago, it was rough. And in the silence that followed, I did something terrifying: I prayed. Not casually. Not out of boredom or social pressure.
I seriously prayed. I stepped forward in faith; not because I had all the answers, but because I finally admitted which direction the evidence pointed. In that moment, God answered that prayer in wind and fire. God answered my prayer of submission and told me to have courage and to follow Him.
And I’ve been stumbling forward ever since. Following Christ. Learning. Stumbling. Repenting. Rising. Praying.
This was the first step on the path that eventually led me to the Ancient Faith of Christianity, but it began with this: the courage to stop pretending, and to actually pray.
The hour is later than you think, my dear ones. Sleepers, it is time to wake up.
Take courage and pray. Really pray. Ask God to open your eyes, to wake up your heart, to make space for Himself in your life. Don’t be afraid of really meeting God, the kind of encounter that shakes you to your bones and shows you how small you are.
Be afraid of never meeting Him. Be terrified of drifting through a whole life hiding behind “weakness” and cowardice, never tasting the real thing.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. The fear of missing Him is the beginning of regret. Proverbs 9:10
I hope you will continue this journey with me through modern distractions, secular society, philosophy, and my search for the Kingdom of God on earth, in hearts, and being spread throughout the world.
Come walk with me. There’s light on the path ahead.
This article is #2 of a continuation of my testimony and religious thoughts on my journey to the ancient faith of Christianity. Read article #1 “In the beginning, God…”